Thursday
We got ants. Little ones.
First it was termites, so we called in on our termite warranty and had the man come out. He drilled holes around the foundation, sprayed something in there, then filled the holes back up. He told Nikki all about subterranean termites vs. swarmers. The swarmers are the ones you see flying around. They’re the ones that were squeezing themselves through the shower tiles. They get food from their underground counterparts. The treatment is supposed to cut the swarmers off from their brothers down there, so they’d eventually starve to death. The Man also informed us that we should expect to see them “coming out,” maybe for months. This was very comforting.
We called Orkin to come out a few weeks ago. Something about this bug situation seems really out of hand. We’re not too into the bugs to begin with, but we both agree that something seems off. I think the bugs are pissed. I think nature wants humans dead. The bugs are looking at us like their enemies, and they all want to kill us, from the inchworms to the spiders. I really can’t deal with spiders.
The Orkin Man said we should expect to see whatever bugs there are continue to “come out,” for an indefinite period. Clearly, no one knows how to get rid of these things. It’s 2006, and we know how to nuke an entire country, but we haven’t figured out how to get insects off your property. We’ll pay people good money to come out and spray chemicals around, and they’ll essentially tell you to your face that they’re really not doing much of anything. It’s like hitting the button at the traffic light, the button that’s really not connected to anything, but it gives you something to do while you wait.
Maybe I’ll start a placebo company. Why whitewash it? We’ll sell things that don’t do anything, and we’ll be completely honest about it. I can build all sorts of contraptions. I’ve always wanted to build a computer pull-start. That would actually do something, so maybe we couldn’t sell it at the placebo company. The device would connect to the power supply, and you’d have to literally pull-start your computer. It would require at least 70 lbs. per square inch of pressure and three-plus pulls to get it going, and it would make an insane amount of noise. The cost of the device: $199.99 plus local sales tax. For an additional fee of $300 per hour of labor (with a two hour minimum), we’ll install it for you.
So I ran out to the store and bought a can of Raid the minute we discovered the ants under the kitchen table. I sprayed ‘em, then vacuumed them up with the insanely loud hand vacuum my father-in-law swears by. Supposedly he has two of them. This thing’s got some major torque with a gyroscope or something inside, so that when you turn it on, it literally tries to rip your arm out of its socket. It makes Ava cry hysterically. It makes me cry hysterically, but I cry on the inside. Need to be strong for the kids. A few minutes later, ants are crawling out the back of the vacuum. At first we thought they were after food remnants, considering where they were, but we also found them in the bathroom. They came back yesterday.
I know they’re related to the termites. They’re not-too-distant cousins, I’m sure of it. They’re all related, and they all want to kill us.
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